We live in a age where we are most likely to meet people who are going to break our hearts or just leave without any given reason. It doesn’t necessarily imply a lover but it can be a friend or a loved one.
The sudden departure of them from our lives will slightly put us in shock. It hurts and well you can feel the rest.
It may take few weeks or may take months for some to grief. For others its rest of their lives.
The point of writing this is that there are people out there who have overcome this and are thriving. I wondered what they do next is the reason, why this is so?
The method of getting there can be anything, just choose the one which doesn’t interferes with your health be it mental, social or physical
I never knew the word resilience, before last year.
1. Resilience. by definition from oxford dictionary is…
The ability of people or things to recover quickly after something unpleasant, such as shock, injury, etc.
So basically I knew what people who went through horrible grief did to recover. But I didn’t know how.
The situation is simpler than it seems. Many times in our daily lives we go through grief, it may be from losing, a book to losing money or something being stolen, it can be something we had which was dear to us and losing it hurts for few mins to a day and we move on. While something as serious as an accident or losing a job, etc it can daunting to get over.
The reason why its harder for us to achieve resilience is because we want to deny accepting what has happened. Sometimes the truth can be painful or it doesn’t agree with our narrative. Have you ever yelled and someone and asked “why me?” in sheer agony? It is because our lives are very unplanned. While we can plan what we should do we cannot plan what to anticipate in our lives.
No one can predict what we can do a week later or a year later. And we dwell on it thinking we can fix it. There are 5 stages of grief by Kubler Ross.
While we do go through it without being aware of it, we can change few bits I feel. To achieve resilience we must adapt to what I am going to say next.
2. Patience. its a very simple word but difficult to achieve and even more harder to get by. Today everyone of any age have no patience what so ever, take amazon for example they give you what you want instantly. Within few days you get what you want. Take another example: today no one wants to wait in a queue for getting food. We have delivery systems that does it for us. When I was young I had no cellphone throughout school life I am grateful for it. While it helps for communication today everyone has made the simple gadget as life.
After I realised the end of patience I wanted to understand how it can be brought back? I started with daily traffic, I didn’t take shortcuts I always stop by signal for mins behind someone than going ahead trying to squeeze into the space in front row. Each time I wake up before holding the phone I started to look after my plants, go for a stroll maybe, without having to take the phone. I took a week off social media, I deactivated it and I really started to understand how we are losing our mental health on it. Patience can be built on simply doing things which will take time for us to wait. And there is no phone or screen for us to entertain.
The minute you start this if you have lost patience you may react in an angry manner. You simply have to adapt because patience isn’t developed in a day it takes time.
When you have achieved patience with whatever tact you have performed. You can try the next part.
3. Gratitude. while we have lost something dear to us, we have something which we aren’t paying attention to. Appreciate what you do have in life because not everyone has the same. The things or people you have or the life you have some people only dream of, always have a bit of gratitude within. Building gratitude can be appreciating our parents, our friends those who are around, the one who gave you hope when you thought had lost it. Exercise gratitude through actions.
Resilience is a step forward towards acceptance, it doesn’t give out any bit of energy you have left. It creates a beautiful energy within. The next part is most difficult one because it can bring you back to bargaining or anger or any other stage before acceptance. It can keep you into loop because it is that difficult.
4. Awareness. for me awareness is how are you feeling? What have you done past year? What mistakes you have made? What good things you did in this year? Coming face to face to all the actions that you have done so far. Being aware can feel dangerous because the minute you see and accept what flaws you have or what mistakes you have done it becomes heavier to go towards acceptance. It can feel too painful or uncomfortable that we resort back to our already uncomfortable maybe less uncomfortable self.
You can try writing doing all the mistakes or flaws you find within yourself on a blackboard or a piece of paper. The minute you are done read the mistakes you made, answer it to yourself would you repeat them again? Or do you want to learn from it and choose another way which won’t make you regret.
The flaws you have jotted down don’t read them just discard the paper or clean the board. The flaws which are on our appearance or focuses more on what isn’t perfect, are useless to acknowledge. It is like looking at the Tower of Pisa and not acknowledging its uniqueness and beauty, instead criticising it.
5. Responsibility . the level of difficulty has increased. By taking accountability for your actions for whatever good and bad you have done in your life you are coming nearer to acceptance. You don’t need to take responsibility for not taking garbage out and trivial things you did once when you were 17 but things like if you have broken someone’s heart who loved you or you have been a bully to someone. It can be anything. Taking responsibility is hard thats why you must practice for little things. The wisest way to accepting responsibility is accepting you have done it and doing whatever you can to make mends. This is for yourself, you need not say to others or show it.
The whole journey is for you and you only.
6. Forgiveness. if you are holding onto someone who hurt you, forgive them. If they hurt you again and again forgive yourself. We all make mistakes, no one is perfect. No one! We make mistakes some good and some bad but thats how we learn. If you keep making same mistakes and don’t anything about it then thats a problem. Practice forgiveness by doing yoga. You are letting go of all the grudges and hurt you hold. Forgiveness can be difficult because it can be hard. Forgiveness doesn’t you forget what others do and let them use you like a doormat. Forgive but dont forget. It means you learn that people are trust worthy or not. But don’t hold any grudges or give out your anger. Make peace with it.
7. Choice. You can choose what path you want to lead the situation can’t be out run, no one said its going to be easy. And that’s why many fail to walk this path. The choice is yours to make.
Think of every situation like an multiple choice question.
Situation is the question.
Your response is your choice .
A. Be angry
B. Let go
C. Take it out on yourself
D. Be sad
E. Pretend to be okay
F. Suffer in silence
The multiple choices are given to you on daily life. We can be harsh on ourselves at times thats what makes everything feel very hard to deal with. Not because the situation isn’t hard, it’s because we have forgotten to perform these simple remedies required for us to move forward.
The only way to move is moving forward. And not looking back. The past is a memory now, good or bad you decide but its not wise to dwell on what is gone.
While one path will lead you to pain another can set you free.
The choice is yours choose wisely 🙂 .
I hope this helps to whoever is searching for it.
Have a wonderful day 🙂